I'm Just Saying...

Portion control is important. That's why crack vials are so small...well yours anyway.

Donny Osmond won "Dancing w/t Stars" I don't watch the show yet I know this. Can I sue the media that forced me to know this with assault?

Gorgeous women should only sleep with ugly guys....don't be selfish hotties....think of the future...

I don't have erectile dysfunction, but i'm glad that there are pills to take if it ever happens...like cyanide.

Sudoku was invented by a guy who got a kick out of watching people stare at something for 30 min, get mad and break pencils. Weird fetish.

Two guys I know were fighting, who can't fight. I knew they wouldn't hurt each other. They got hurt worse by how hard I laughed at them.

Little known fact: If a woman serves you with a restraining order, if you put your fingers in your ears and say "LA LA LA" it doesn't count.

Saw my ex girlfriend with her new guy. I almost want to apologize to him for making her available. He doesn't know...the clock is ticking.

Sorry middle aged white guys, when Oprah leaves, your wife is gonna want to discuss your relationship with someone...get ready hahahahaha!