I'm Just Saying...

Walked in on my nephew masturbating. Embarrassing. He's yelling "Uncle S., pull your pants up!" Hey, I didn't know he'd get back so fast.

Him: "What's with you blacks and this made up holiday KWANZAA?" Me: "All holidays are made up jackass!" #talkingtoareallifearchiebunker

When someone says you're "Cute as a bug"...don't get full of yourself, they are GRADING ON A CURVE!

My ex girlfriend agreed to let me bounce a couple of ideas off of her...forgetting that "ideas" is one of many nicknames for my balls.

If most of your meals are eaten with plastic utensils, there's a good chance making career decisions isn't your strong suit.

Safe words and ball gags are not a good mix, uh, I can't talk now the ER doctor is back...