I'm Just Saying...

Guy bumped into my car, he didn't have insurance. He had an attitude, I had a gun....I have two cars.

Just heard two teenage girls fighting over which boyfriends electronic ankle bracelet was best. Is there anyway to speed up global warming?

I am three more bad dates away from trying a mail order bride service....

Is it a bad sign that my date has "Buns of Steel" right underneath "The Road Less Traveled" on her book shelf? I like having options.

My shoulder is healing nicely. Don't believe me?....here's proof. 10 carolers on my lawn, 6 apples on my table....5 direct hits! I'm back!!

I NOW officially know more about Tiger Woods penis than mine. Thanks "mainstream media".....STFU ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEFORE you drink, make sure that the hole in your briefs is in the FRONT. Please. Some things SHOULDN'T be attempted.

For the first time my nephew beat me in basketball...I didn't feed him for a day after that.... Just to remind him who the Alpha still is...

Thanks Bluetooth, now I can't tell who the crazy people are.

.....if those machines on the infomercials actually worked, they wouldn't have to come out with new ones every 6 weeks....HELLO!!!

I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. Not my mom you freaks! The bisexual Asian lady he married later.

Just my luck, I was gonna wash my car and it rains, then I was gonna sleep with my girlfriend and......(Insert Punchline Here)

From the makers of "Your Baby Can Read" comes the new "Your Baby Can Testify"....You have now been warned.

The Police are really inflexible about that whole "Handicapped Only Parking" thing. I'll bet it's because i'm black.

They say look at your woman's mom to see how she'll look in 20 years. Well, I was wondering how she'd be in bed in 20 years.....so.....

Hey blind homeless dude, if you're blind how did you see me take the money out of your cup? YOU ARE DISHONEST!!!!

Give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach him.. A lifetime. Give him a gun he'll eat whatever the f**k he wants...Problem?...Thought not!