Rick Santorum is a racist piece of sh...shopping cart. That's what I meant.

Dear voters, when you give people power and they immediately begin fucking you over...don't keep doing that. You're welcome.

24/7. Ladies, that's how long we want to be in you. There, I said it. You don't have to wonder anymore. You're welcome.

Dear gorgeous women that insert sex toys...may I suggest you use something larger...and attached to me as an alternative?

The lady in the T-Mobile commercial is hot! In other news, I just saw the lady in the prepaid phone commercial....uh, let's just say, Hep C.

Too bad Proactiv® can't clear up pretentiousness too.

If you're having an affair and a bunch of fat guys in a van are following you everywhere...you're going to be on Cheaters. You're welcome.