Women think it's weird when you want to do things to their butts, until you do. After that, get used to them entering the room backwards.

Yes new ASSHOLE boyfriend of my ex, I'm the reason that you can't surprise her in bed. Sorry, we did EVERYTHING. Enjoy perpetually being #2!

If crooked politicians only blocked my right to vote on restaurants, color patterns and how she looks in that dress, I'm cool with that.

Hey, there's my luck! I'm going over there to see what happens if I push it...

Santa is dead. Look, when my neighbor puts up a sign that says "Christmas ONLY" on his chimney....he's NOT kidding.

Just upped my weights, I’m tired…but…you may think I’m crazy…I’d swear that my weights called me the “N” word on rep 9 to motivate me.

Only I can make not liking people look THIS good.

I want to own a Fake News channel where I can make up shit about people that I don't like. My first show? The S.Anthony's ex is a skank show

The saying is Shit...Shower...Shave for a reason. Remember that. Also, no you're not getting in my car again.