There are black people in my house and you don't see me getting nervous.

I'm eating healthy and working out to get back in shape. It may all be a waste because if I don't eat some cake soon, I'm gonna kill people.

There's no way that your breath could be that bad unless you're doing it on purpose.

Women are surprisingly receptive to letting you hang with your boys after being handcuffed to the headboard and licked for 90 minutes. FYI.

Dear future employers, there's no need to ask for my Facebook password, my "Kiss my ass you nosy fuck" tee shirt should tell you everything.

"Are you single? No? You're mine now."
(That's all cute women need to do to get a guy)

Dear CBS news, do you really think big corporations are paying 39.2% in taxes? Really?

Did you see the study on 60 Minutes that says getting it on with ME increases the health and vitality of hot women? Just trying to help.

This guy in front of me should just get it over with and legally change his name to "A. Douchebag".

 From the makers of "Instagram" the new app,"Who gives a damn?" I'm getting THAT!

I knew it! A friend just bought a minivan and they accepted his balls as a trade in. You'd figure that they'd be satisfied with his old car but....