My balls are spending too much time together, I think they're plotting something... STOP WHISPERING DOWN THERE!

Winter is over. It's tank top and shorts time ladies! Let the ogling (....and hopefully body nibbling) BEGIN!!!!!!!!

"Whoa whoa whoa! I am offended!"
- Etch-a-sketches after hearing about being compared to Mitt Romney

"I don't sweat, I donate swag juice." (trying to sound like a d-bag is fun)

Dear women who AREN'T getting it on with me....try the opposite of that please. Thanks.

I must be getting old. No one follows me around to see if I'm shoplifting anymore. Lazy security guards are better than coupons. FREE STUFF!