Saw a teenage couple walking down the street and the boy had his hand on the girl's butt. My first thought was "Boy, get your hand off of that girl's ass!" I'm getting old...

Dude, why are you washing those plastic utensils? Am I going to see condoms on your clothesline too? Also, you have a freaking clothesline?

I wish that someone would make a movie about a semi attractive, lovable loser. There have been so few of them.

My hairstylist wants to blow me. I think that he's gay, but I'm not sure. Yup, he blew me. Gay.

We're losing our best stalkers because of internet heavy, sedentary lifestyles. HIDE IN TREES AND RUB ONE OUT LIKE THE OLD DAYS LOSERS!