Santorum/Palin 2016. You know it's coming...and as a person who writes jokes for a living, thinking about the potential gaffes...so am I...

Throwing salt over your shoulder, good luck
Standing behind that guy, bad luck
Standing behind THAT guy and trying not to laugh, worse luck

Getting blown is a PRIVILEGE...not a RIGHT.

Mixed some of my uncles cholesterol powder into my chili cheese fries...not bad. MULTITASKING!!

Philly Cheese steak Pizza, if it would stop bothering me while I watched the game I'd marry it. What?

SEA salt tastes like "Weekend tourist ass". Wait, I picked up the wrong container...that actually was "Weekend tourist ass". Never mind.

I wish football season was here, I'm used to having my junk food day on Sunday. I can't eat junk food on Sunday NOW, it just doesn't taste as good when I'm watching "Too Close for Comfort" reruns.  

When a checkout person is horrible to me, I DON'T take it personally. I do not let my emotions get involved at all. See how I don't change my expression at all as I siphon out ALL of his gas? Exactly. I...am...evolved. Yeah.

...imagine if butt cheeks had nipples. Yeah, good thoughts...

"Whoever told twenty somethings that making that "Kissy - pouty" face was cute....stop that. Thanks"
- Dudes