You're Welcome.

47 minutes & 15 seconds. That's when women stop being impressed and want you off/out of them. Consider yourself informed. You're welcome.

DO NOT cut Mel Gibson off in traffic *whispering* I hear that he has a bit of a temper. Don't tell anyone, OK? Thanks.

Is there a glue strip that's big enough to trap teenagers so they won't keep sitting on my car?

Hey, jerk who cuts into people's conversation with negativity...that's why you HAVE to CUT in. No one wants to talk to you voluntarily.

Talking points + zero tolerance + laziness = you're a moron.

Have you ever overheard someone close to you say something that made you smell smoke...from the bridge to you that is burning?

Walking off of the bus straight up to a woman getting into a Mercedes and trying to pick her up...you are either super cool or a huge d-bag.

I'm wondering how loud an alarm clock would have to be to REALLY wake people up. Some people are out of bed...but still asleep. #cablenews

On cable news, they love to suck-viate... see what I did there? Huh? Huh? Aw yeah...yeah! *sigh* I really need help...