A guy caught me taking a peek at his delicious girlfriend. He just smiled and nodded. He's either very confident...or I'm about to get an invitation. 

Does anyone know where I can buy shut up juice in bulk? I'm going to need much more than a glass each for these people.

When you wipe up my excess sarcasm, put the towel in the recycle bin. They reuse it on cable news shows. Conservation!

Aren't there certain celebrities that you see in the news and just assume it's because they died, regardless of their age? Me too.

The guy across the street actually slipped on a banana peel. Really dude? I wonder if he's listening to the three stooges theme on his ipod.

I'm perfecting aggressive apathy. Yeah, it's a new thing. Next year I'll be teaching it in a classroom setting. 

When will J.J. Abrams have a show about a spy that DOESN'T look like they were recruited at a modeling school?

Be careful when sending a speech to text email...especially when a friend with a louder voice is screaming "Die bitch die!" into his phone.