Women WILL NOT believe that you're just reading their name tags if you are making nipple twisting motions and flicking your tongue. FYI.

When your lady says "Aw, this stuffed animal reminds me of my lost puppy..." DO NOT say "It's edible?" Not good, not good at all. FYI.

Spend $50 for a massage? Hell no! I just go to a building with metal detectors and hot lady guards and hide a quarter in my underwear flap.

I don't do quickies, this is going to take a while. (OK, lets keep it real, I do quickies if it's an extra one)

Some people you love so much that any reminder of them brings happiness. Then there's the opposite. These people are called family...

My Doctor said to stop eating carbs. In an unrelated event, I begin Doctor shopping tomorrow...anyone know of a Doctor near a Mcdonalds?

I'm sitting in the bathtub juggling plugged in radios. Don't worry, there's no water in the tub. That would be weird.