S. Speaks...

Apparently it's even scarier when you tailgate someone's car on foot, in a clown outfit. People are weird.

Damn, I spend $10 in your breakfast place and I can't even get a FAKE smile? See you NEVER again. Now I'M smiling.

Beer I can understand...but who still TRIES crack? These people are ALMOST as out of touch as the House and the Senate.

"Now that I know that YOU don't give a damn, WE have something in common. "#neverusealinethisgoodonsomeoneyouwanttohavesexwithagain

Message to people who put commercials on the web. If you don't give me the option of turning down the volume, I ignore your f**king product!

No garage door opener for me, if I'm going to be duct taped to my bed and robbed, I'd rather it be by a "girlfriend", not a home invader.

...has already begun faking a cold to avoid being stuck at the grill. By Saturday night, faux dry heaves. Yeah, bring ME food minions!

Not only does the Twilight saga occupy your kids, it's also a great punishment for a friend who loses a bet.

When I'm watching the fireworks on the 4th, my friends from England are in a restaurant eating Chinese food..what's up with that? Oh.

Damn...Mel Gibson was just about to take over the Madea role from Tyler Perry. Well, you can't have everything.