Nice try, you were NOT looking for lint in your navel. You ALWAYS wear belly shirts. If you like the smell of your navel jam, own it freak!

"Treat me like a stamp mamma!" - The last thing he remembers saying before waking up semi moist and unused in the bottom drawer.

It's funny, your wife drools over some guy on TV, who's wife drools over the pool guy, who's wife drools over the UPS guy...who is gay. Yup.

Flicking the tongue and swirling it across that little peak in the middle of her top lip. #dyslexiccunnilingus

Hot ladies whistled at me today. I felt great, until a dog ran to them. Sike! It was MY cocoa ass they wanted. Yes it was! It was damn it!

When you're only getting phone calls from assholes...the ringing is like Chinese water torture...

Message to people that DON'T get it. Even the biggest racist has a black person that they'll tolerate. Don't be fooled. Fool. You know who you are.