Yada...(repeat twice more)

The lord works in mysterious ways, seriously. Look, every time I walk past him he covers his paper. What's this "universe" thing he's doing?

Oil companies, wouldn't it be better to start being energy companies and INVEST in alternatives instead of PAYING billions in fines? Hmm?

Well, I'll save money on water. I'll just stand in the middle of the kiddie pool and fill it with sweat. 

Yo, if you listened more carefully you wouldn't have wasted all of that money! I said replace your ELECTROLYTES not electric lights idiot!

What is the emoticon for tongue in cheek? No, sorry I meant tongue in butt cheeks? 

I'm going to go with this as the tongue in butt cheeks emoticon.---> B~ Are you with me?

No, go ahead. Complain about the same crap for 60 min at a time everyday... of course people aren't avoiding you. Well, gotta go.....

Ah, the passive aggressive joy of cutting my smart mouthed younger relatives out of my will. I'll put them back in it...but oh what fun.

Nice paint color dude, you'll be the first person in the world to have his house racially profiled. At least after I call the cops on you.

Wet dream....incontinence....stop with the semantics and hand me the mop bigmouth!

My basement is so hot, the only thing missing is 6 old white guys in towels, smoking cigars and talking about the good old days.

I was sent on an audition for a reality show (I didn't know )...I spoke in a complete sentence and was thrown out by security. (kinda true)

Do you know that game where people punch you when they see a Volkswagen? I have a game where I knee THEM in the chest. I always win.

When politicians wear WWJD bracelets the "J" is for "Judas"...or "jerkoff"...or "jackass"...or..."just sold out" or..."just lied my ass off"