One of my nephews is going with friends to feed the homeless on thanksgiving. Great. I can't wait to steal stuff from his room when he's gone.

Of all of the places that had "occupy" protests, the last city that I thought would have police fuck people up would be Denver.

Alright, I have 2000 followers now on twitter. Where is MY Kardashian?

Pat Buchanan: Occupy Wall Street Is "Going To End Very, Very Badly"
 --The rest of the world: "So is your biography"

For Halloween I'm going out as an adult sized child that's not too embarrassed to beg his neighbors for candy and then act like it didn't happen the next day.

Ginger Ale is the sweat collected from redheads kept in captivity. Sorry, it's NOT just from the HOT ones. Hey, they're trying to cut costs

Spittoon by the bed means you're gonna get head. - Things that I'm embarrassed to tweet, but just did anyway

Dear gorgeous women walking around with angry looks on your face...STOP THAT! It's like watching someone burn art.

When I see how much damage a couple of super rich guys can do, I wonder how much good equally powerful good folk could do. To test this theory, I'm taking donations. I'll only need 50-60 billion. LET'S GO!!!!!!

Stop wanting someone that DOESN'T want YOU. It will ALWAYS end badly. Hey, to make you feel better, I'll do you, okay? Feel better now?