I just "Beat my flu symptoms" and his MMA expert older brother diarrhea is running toward me. I'M OUTTA HERE! *gets into car and peels out*

Down south they do Civil War reenactments...in Oakland they do Civil Rights reenactments apparently. Shame on you. #OccupyOakland

Rain rain go away. Huh? The rest is "come again another day"? I hate passive-aggressive songs. Just tell the rain to go away damn it!


"Dear women who keep their armpits hairless and smooth...thanks."
- Guys that do things to women's pits but don't want stubble burn.


I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes! Thanks! Also, to the the one of you that grabbed my butt when I was not looking....buttocks have TWO cheeks! LET'S GO! Get back here and finish the job! I need all of the action that I can get!

I just had a car behind me, honk through my car at the car in front of me. My first vehicular reach around. Didn't like it.

****

"mmmmmf!"

"What?"

"Mmmmmf!"

"What!?!"

"MMMMMMF!"

*"Congress, take Wall Street's balls out of your mouth so I can understand you!"

****

My dentist cancelled.....AGAIN! RACIST!!!!! What? He's black too? Could you put that "card" back in the deck please. Thanks...

Little known fact: The pimp slap was invented by an overzealous high fiver with poor depth perception. Yeah...I teach you things too.

Hey Cowboy hat guy that keeps posting veiled racism against the President on my Facebook page, at least lose the cowboy hat and gun. Okay?

Dear people that do the travel catheter commercial...you didn't mention having hand sanitizer in the bag.  EEEEEWWWWW! Gross!