Now that I use teeth whitening strips, my teeth have no problem catching a cab.

My ex girlfriend used the sponge as birth control....I LOVED it when it was her turn to do the dishes.

Pick my POISON!?! What kind of bullshit choice is that!? I pick poison that has NO effect on ME... that kills YOU! Ha! Deal with THAT!

Dear future wife, If we're alone...and you're not on your ".", I'm going to try to get in you. You have been warned. That is all.

Dear "pistol whippers"...you...have...a...gun. Is your partner pointing a bat at people and saying "Bang bang bang"? Moron.

Why did Boehner, Cantor & McConnell follow those bankers outside to their trucks just because they bought mouthwash? Oh. Figures.

Dude, is your girlfriend cheating or did the carpet cleaner misunderstand you?

We are ALL in open relationships....unless you're married, then that shit is clooooosed.

Ha! You lost professional athlete! Now drive your bugatti to your mansion and ejaculate in your supermodel girlfriends....loser!