My gift? I can have pleasurable, informative & funny conversations with ANYONE. You'd know that if you weren't such a freaking loser. Oops.

"Thanks for beating him up and not sleeping with him, now look what we have to deal with!" - Americans to Paul Ryan's high school classmates

I did NOT win the powerball lottery. Random midnight assaults of people that I don't like TEMPORARILY averted.....


"Aw shit, Rodney King just joined our "occupy our city" group...this...is...bad."
- What you would say if that actually happened

I can't wait until I'm successful enough to stop giving a shit about people in need. Yeah....the dream....

Paul Ryan looks like a pissed off former child star...who was home schooled...by idiot parents.

Sometimes you look at people, and you just know that they are on the wrong side of history. Hi congress! Talking to YOU!

The NBA just cancelled my pick up game Sunday. Full of ourselves much NBA?

Are people STILL using the term "Kissing cousins"? If not, I'm going to need a new one to describe what I'm doi...uh....*covers face, runs*

I'm cathecting the woman that hands to me the chocolate soft serve at the Checkers drive in. Don't judge...that stuff is good.