"I am in the 1%, not financially, I mean at giving that good lovin'!"
- things guys say that make a woman change her mind about sex with him... (not)

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CLEAN bill of health from the Doctor. I can start REALLY WORKING OUT again!!!!

Helloooooooo old body. See you SOON!!

…and Standup, keep that bed warm for me girl. I’ll be home SOON!

YES!

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Someone please digitize my life lessons and upload them to Madden. Maybe if I pop up in their video games my little cousins will hear me!

In this economy, don't give out expensive tickets, kick guys in the nads...like the schmuck who tailgated me on an obviously icy street.

I want to ask myself why I bother, but I realize now that it's easier to just not bother.

All of the great cameras and not one neighbor hot enough to illegally tape through a hole in her shower wall. Times are tough.

Give me a tee-shirt as a present, I will strangle you with it. You have now been warned. (Unless you are a hot lady wearing it, then cool!)

Change is inevitable, learn from history BEFORE we lose people to the struggle again. People in power...history is NOT on YOUR side.

No one has EVER gotten laid while watching Nick jr...EVER.

Dear guy in the car behind me, I can see things that you can't... so shut the fuck up, or drive around me and get hit by the cop car coming.