I like my women like I like my coffee, hot, black and gently caressed by attractive 20 something baristas.

Well...gotta go and write jokes that I'll later tell to slightly intoxicated strangers. See you later.

The trash can, invisible. My chocolate soy milk, wrapped in a brown paper bag behind 10 things....obviously in plain sight. #teensatmyhouse

Stop robbing pizza delivery guys. I'm not driving to get that stuff damn it!

The only thing MORE uncomfortable to watch than Herman Cain explain his positions is News Anchors trying to be funny or segue to the weather.

My dentist cancelled my appointment for Thursday. He'd better have my $100 for cancelling...or it may effect his credit.

My birthday is close to Halloween so that's when I celebrate it. That's why I open my door and TAKE candy from kids. Happy birthday ME!!!!

You'll NEVER get a true measure of your running speed until you smack an athletic person at a sidewalk cafe in the head with your genitals.

Life isn't a bed of roses, okay it is sometimes...and sometimes it's like having to clean that crap up as she runs out saying "I'd help but I'm late for work!"