Dear people that aren't me. NEVER come to my house and wake me up BEFORE 8am. If you do, don't blame me for what happens to you next.

The eyes are the windows to the soul.... and from all the yellow in your "windows"...you have serious liver problems. Call your doctor.

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Newspaper Headline: Person A DESTROYS Person B!

Uh, no. Person A said bad things about Person B. Look up the word DESTROY morons. Thanks.

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Are black Buddhists really THAT rare? Some lady saw the book that I was reading and I almost wound up tagged and put on display at a museum.

My eye doctor should cancel the rest of the tests. My eyes are fine, I mean I've been looking down her blouse at her yummy boobs for 20 min.

Most people don't know that Mitt Romney made 1/3 of his money leasing out the tops of pizza delivery cars as rolling kennels. #themoreuknow

Dear racists, thanks for putting on the neon hats and matching clothes during this election cycle. It's nice knowing how many of you exist.