You'd think being so close to Monday, Sunday would know that it shouldn't suck.

THIS is what life is huh? *drops face into hands, jumps out window...realizes he's at ground level* Ah well, guess I'll keep trying to win.

Hulk Hogan has naked pics on the Internet!?! I consider making me know this AGAINST MY WILL assault & I'm suing the whole damned the world!

I'm making a ton of dough standing outside of congress selling "I'm an old, rich, white guy and I HATE pussy!" tee shirts.

There are TWO ways to be on 60 Minutes....
I have a feeling that I WILL be on 60 minutes. I hope it's because of my great comedy.... and NOT for my...whoa ALMOST told on myself there.

Dudes that wear eye patches ALSO only wear HALF A JOCKSTRAP over their manstuff. They...are...tough. DON'T MESS WITH THEM!

It's NOT the delivery guy she's screwing, it's the guy at the supermarket that sold her the Digiorno!

Remember when I said that people AREN'T laughing at you? The people that were laughing at you paid me to say that as we ALL laughed at you.