A strange man walks up to my door, I open it and he tries to walk in.

"Hey, who are you bro?"

"Come on unc!"

"Unc? I don't know you!"

"It's me, your nephew!"

"Prove it, turn your back to me and dismissively acknowledge me over your shoulder as you surf the web on your phone like a knucklehead."

"Alright.... I'm sorry. Message received."

"Good. I'm STILL not letting you in."

Both laugh.

*****

Breaking News! Congress redefines cupcakes as "Antioxidant clusters" film at 11!

"How do you let THAT hottie out of the bed at all? Wow, what deliciousness!"
-Things that will be said to my future wife (YES THEY WILL!)

Armpit diarrhea. Yeah. Armpit fart people, you are no longer valid.

I've got the traffic channel on in the background. I want to see if "Bored to death" is really a thing.

Forget "Electric", MY car runs on "Leave it near E and make any young relative who borrows it fill it up" Yeah, I go GREEN. Bills are green.

My mom feels young again. She NOW knows she's YEARS away from being old enough for a pepper spray blast by the rogue members of the NYPD.

Oh, "Bottom feeder" is an insult. I thought that Websters Dictionary had FINALLY accepted my suggestion and FORMALLY named one of the things that I like to do to ladies that I'm in a relationship with.

MY bad.