I have NEVER done drugs. I HAVE had sex with TWO women at once. I win dope heads. I WIN!

People in SERIOUS relationships should wear rings too, to save us "hitting on them time" Also, women who WILL get it on with me should wear a hat saying "I am open to getting it on with S. Anthony" Yup.

Herman Cain caught in bed with Joe Paterno. Film at 11.

I'm using "Fore"square, that'll tell you where I'll be next week. (FYI, I lie to "Fore"square...enjoy those nonexistent addresses!)

Kim K's ass files for a legal separation. I of course will offer MY services as a safe haven.

"Hey baby, let me stick in this tab and check my sugar" - Diabetic guy on "sex night" with his wife

Did you know that they have this stuff called de-caffeinated coffee? What will they think of next? Well, I've got to rotary dial my mom now.

Why, when you work on your car, do the five strangers that come to you with advise, know NOTHING about cars, BUT won't shut the hell up?

I'm hoping to add a "don't let stupid people and a-holes near S. Anthony" law to the ballot. I need YOUR help. ARE YOU WITH ME!?!