Weight lifting AFTER midnight...yeah, I really want my body back in shape. FEAR ME ADIPOSE TISSUE, FEAR ME!!! *evil laugh*

I knew about the Cliff Lee signing for months. Thanks wikileaks!

I wonder if Maury was ever tempted to "console" any of those distraught, bad decision making teens...

Part of me wants a sitcom...but there's an even bigger part of me that DOES NOT want to assume that people are idiots.

A divided country is full of problems. Togetherness solves them. And with those problems gone...we have more time to bang each other.

Wipe off your forehead. You've just been mindf*cked. You're welcome. Who's next?

Corn Flakes, milk & bananas for dinner...and with that I'm a shoe in for next season's "The Bachelor". Failed fake relationship here I come!

You're right. Portion control. I'll motorboat your booty tonight and your boobs tomorrow. I'll get the chocolate pudding and be right back.

Some people don't know that a favor implies that it's something that is NOT going to happen regularly. These people are called relatives.

How do hidden camera stings still work? If I'm doing something illegal I'm hiring ex TSA people to check you out BEFORE you enter.

Can we add "How NOT to Take out YOUR frustrations on other drivers because YOUR life sucks" classes to drivers ed?