Forget that fortune cookie, I need a fortune Stromboli...my family is here this morning. Make it two.

I can already tell by the way people are acting in the family that this will be a Schrödinger's Christmas.

I'm nostalgic for the days when gunfire startled me...alas those days are long over. (I still duck if they sound like they're close)

Without racism, homophobia & misogyny etc, it wouldn't be so easy to divide us...then we'd really see what goes on in D.C. Scary...for them.

Filmmakers sometime create over the top, evil villains and you think, c'mon that's too much. Welcome to D.C. Electorate, YOU wrote this one.

Stop it with the crazy internet conspiracy theories...or WE WILL GET YOU...

I practice my trash talk during animal shows. "F*ck you Lion! You can catch that deer. Your mama dates cheetahs!"

I give the homeless candy and on Halloween I step over little kids, walk 10 yards, look back at them and scream "Get a damned job!" Yup.

Stop it with the canned milk. Play the game and take your chances with the rest of the regular milk drinkers, punk.

Stabbing at the USC-UCLA game huh? And people say that the US doesn't make things anymore. Look, we produced some grade A morons.