Ladies, how long until a hug with a guy becomes weird? What if he's bottomless...on the subway...quickly...should I let go now or what?

You can tell how experienced your lady is by her reaction when the whipped cream first lands on her ass.

Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but? It doesn't matter, we're stupid, backwards and we're drowning you anyway. #witchtrial

So you CAN'T forgive Mike Vick, but you WOULD vote for Bush if he ran again? WTF?

I'm going to the McCain Christmas party. I can't wait for when he changes his mind and bans the gifts at the last minute. Good times.

Hey, person who keeps giving me attitude & mean looks hoping to get me to return the favor...you amuse me, but nice try.

I'd like to give a shout out to the pot hole that the tailgater didn't see. Thanks, and I hope that the fender that you ate was delicious.

"Don't let the doorknob hit you, where the good lord split you" is not JUST a saying....and no, I will NOT pay YOUR hospital bill.

Even nice guys sometimes have to knock a motherf*cker out. #icouldNEVERbepresident

I'd better hurry up and get a dog so I can "accidently" let him loose on carolers that miss a note.

Tom Coburn would block a windpipe if the President was for it...and he's a Doctor!

You're against good childhood nutrition Mrs. Palin? How are the people who used to ridicule doctors for washing their hands between surgeries treated by history? Exactly...