Oh crap, I'm running late... *stops, remembers that I work for myself, sits back down* Nevermind.

For your future reference DO NOT say "You're right man, she is a real b*tch sometimes!" When giving your buddy and his wife a ride home.

I buy my tree on Christmas eve, that way I can haggle on the price. Also, I have weapons and large mean looking friends.

I have NEVER paid to have sex. NEVER. I do however have generous friends who love to share.

I love you guys, ALL of you. Thanks. (Editors note: When I become famous, you will be replaced with sycophants.)

♫On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me♫...I really don't know, I soundproofed the cellar. I need to get speakers installed.

Ow! Just kidding voodoo isn't real. But those guys from the psych ward are...see ya. Thanks for signing everything over to me. #evilsibling

Hey teens, the difference between YOU and ADULTS.... we're smart enough to change our body language when we're conspiring. You're grounded!

I've actually licked MORE champagne off of women than I've had out of glasses. More from asses than glasses. Yeah, I rap.