Practical jokes and on duty police officers DON'T mix. That is all.

Ever seen your trash ripped up by cats and wish a young serial killer in the making was in town? *Looks around, no agreement* Me neither...

Why do entertainers copy CONTEMPORARY artists? If they're still in the "Young and Hot" stage of their career...we want THEM, not YOU! If you copy someone in the "Legend" portion of their career, that's different. You can play on the nostalgia, you can actually be considered complimenting the artist. You know what's even BETTER? COME UP WITH YOUR OWN SHIT!!!!!

Did you know that pitching pennies is illegal in some places? In unrelated news, nailing two hookers in a parking lot in illegal EVERYWHERE!

So, it's almost Christmas and the whole family is mad at each other...Santa, please keep it going through the holiday. Nothing is on TV!

The jokes on YOU Maury show producer, I'm NOT the father because I had booty lovin' with her. So there! *Hangs up* #youknowthishappenedonce

Breaking fake news! McConnell & Kyl block the door of a Ronald McDonald house after learning that they help kids and DON'T sell burgers.

It's NOT fondling if it's with your face lady. If you're going to be a tattle tale at least be accurate!

I thought her sex was so good that I was seeing god, but it was just her grandpa who's combo fetish is voyeurism and wearing mining hats.

I was PIMP SLAPPED by the Dalai Lama as Tony Robbins WHISPERED that he COULDN'T help me. #everythingisbackwardstoday

Please only thank Jesus once per sentence. Even he doesn't want to hear it as much as YOU say it...and yes, I do want fries with that.

I wonder if Sarah Palin has lots of LIPITOR stock? It sure would explain a few things... (Let's see who is up on current events) ;-)