Some people think having sex without making babies is like O'Douls beer. I've had it. I did NOT have an orgasm...the first time...

Put two fingers as close together as possible. That's how close I am from making the decision to not have kids.

Kiss & hug your lady even when you're NOT trying to get laid. It'll show her you care...and increase the oral you get during her period.

My 7 year old cousin ALMOST makes me reconsider my thoughts about NOT having kids...and thus, she's in the backyard now.

People dying, losing their homes and starving...eh. Not getting THEIR way...THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!! #politicianssuck

Have you read the new book "Making Emotional Pleas To Psychopaths And Other Successful strategies" by the POTUS?

I dated a lady who used a shake weight a lot. My "deal" is now two feet long. I hope the finger grooves in it don't scare off the next lady.

I'm NEVER giving my friends a ride from the gym again. Unlike dogs, I DON'T want to know what my friend's asses smell like. Hello Febreze®!