Oh crap, I'm behind Bernie Sanders at the drive thru. This is going to take a while...

You can take the politician out of Chicago...and apparently you CAN take the "Chicago" out of the politician...

Single payer healthcare...hot women who apologize...I'm moving to Canada.

Parents getting into a fist fight in front of their kids over the "Last toy" as a shipment of the toy arrives behind them...Christmas time.

When you tie a mattress to the top of your car, be careful. I'm not going to say everything that happened, but cops will pull you over if a homeless guy is strapped to your roof... apparently. It's because I'm black isn't it!?!

I'm sorry (Insert name of celebrity that has widely covered substance abuse problem) there's only SODA in the coke machine. #tweetmadlibs

NO! Don't let Bernie Sanders say grace! Well, I'm going to be late for work tomorrow. Thanks honey! #okImdonewiththeberniesandersjokes

It's a wonderful life is on. Is it a bad sign when you think that the title is mocking you?

I only want to be a big TV star so I can do one of those "The more you know" spots. I'd be very concise. "All of the worlds problems would go away if people would just stop acting like dicks." *musical sting & animated star flourish* THE MORE YOU KNOW...