No Mr. Boehner, for the last time, you CAN'T have a casino! Now wash your face! You're being very culturally insensitive!

Every once in a while someone really good looking will be a guest on Springer. How low must their self esteem be?

Hey, if you text with the back of your middle finger, you can insult people, text and drive at the same time. Yeah...multitasking.

Deodorant soap? Really? Have you ever heard "Yo man, your elbow stinks!"? I didn't think so. Use the regular stuff damn it!

If you draw on your mustache with a pencil, write "Please point and laugh at me" above it. That way people will think YOU WANT it to happen.

I'm hiring a call screener to avoid my family, but it's going to be on their end. "Are you calling him about something stupid?" *cocks gun*

My new cellphone mocks me with it's silence. The loneliness I feel...Oh, I turned it off.... Damn, everybody called! I'm the man!

Come over here conventional thinking...come get pimp slapped. Don't make me chase you!!!

I love the fact that teens think that they're "tolerating" US.

No corner store, making your aisles so close together will NOT make it easier for kids to steal...oh and I'm an 80 year old Chinese woman.

There is NO alien machine kicking gay people out of the military, it's people. People who could just STOP. Cut the bullshit! Get it done!

My ex was the "gateway drug" to a woman who ISN'T a skank. (Cheap shot yes...deserved...yes...feel sorry?....Are you new? Have we met?)

I wish that in addition to citizen's arrest, we had the power to make people go to parenting class. You should hear some of these fools...