You love it and you know it!...

Don't confuse kindness for weakness...and don't think that currently empty hands won't grab a gun and put bullets in your ass.

I wish retired staff of the witness protection program would start a business that hid people from their families. Talk about getting PAID!!

What is the sound of one ass cheek clapping? Alright, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SOUND... I just want to see a one cheeked person try it.

It's hard taking candy from a baby. Ok, by candy I mean a hooker named candy...and by baby I mean a 6' 4" pimp named baby. Never again.

I wish karma was MORE of a bitch. I know some awful people who's uppance hasn't come...hurry uppance! Get those bastards!!!!

I wonder how many girlfriend’s of nerds suffered from air embolisms because his last lover was a blow up doll?

I don't want to be in your heart girl, I want to be in that ass! #linethatIwouldputina70'sblacksploitationmovie

If my life was an airport....several of the people around me now would be on the no fly list.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Neatly packaged and sweet if you forget the manufacturers "acceptable amount of roach feces" inside.

Teenage neighbor, if your girlfriend is giving you "hand joy" make sure it's not under your mom's back yard motion detector next time.

Women, how is it that you taste so good? If I could bottle it up...well that would be a waste because I'd just lick it off of you anyway...