Say whaaaaaaat?....

If you start two sentences in a row with "For the record..." it should be legal to duct tape your mouth shut!....that is all.

I like going into Starbucks only to hear people say "This Mocha Grande is delicious!" My ex used to say that about me...yeah...good times...

I just saw two college guys trying to "Light their farts" in the rain...♪♫♫ I believe the children are the future...♪♫♫

A beer that tastes like titties would be a world best seller...

Ladies...it is NOT FAIR to hold us to promises that we made while we were inside you. That is all.

Thank you. Thank you. #yesItalkdirectlytobreasts

I don't have a sex addiction. I just hate anything that ISN'T the inside of a woman's sweet orifices...okay?

If he's still got on the ankle monitor... it's a safe bet that he has not had enough time to get his life together yet. Get pregnant later.

"Hey bro, that's gross!!!" If you ever hear that from a guy....DO NOT turn to look. Just calmly leave and never admit that you were there.

Darts and drunk dudes should never be in the same room... unless I've got my camera!! That has got to hurt!! Hahahahaha!!!