"Shuuuuuuut Uuuuuuup!"....for when you want to say STFU but you like the person too much to say it.

I'm starting to think that the guy who invented "Spit Shining" things was just mad at the guy.

The lady in the car behind me was REALLY digging in her nose. When she put her hand down I noticed that she was hot, so I'm cool with it.

Congress looks like a bunch of people in the lobby of a bar in a bad neighborhood waiting in vain for their designated driver.

Okay, It may soon be time for me to get another girlfriend. I miss the companionship, the love and I'm betting burns from humping my pillow.

If you admit to drinking corn liquor, I'm just going to assume that you have webbed feet.