Dear people humping a celebrity after they break up with another celebrity....don't use the dresser, store your clothes in your suitcase.

My little brother used to compete in the Special Olympics. He won a few times too. Thank goodness they don't do steroid testing... WIN!

Just watched "Pumping Iron" while working out. Am I Austrian yet?

Breaking News! National Championship game is on CABLE, thus making everyone else REALLY stop giving a shit about it. Film at 11!

C'mon Illuminati, microchip us all already! Driving around with all of this crap in my wallet is giving me scoliosis!

What!?! The oil massage I just gave you DOESN'T mean I'm getting sex!?! Okay. That'll be $100. We CAN have sex now? Damn, you are CHEAP...yes, I'll STILL take the booty. I'm not stupid.