Jan Brewer just kicked my ass and took my wallet.

Newt Gingrich's house is dirty. I'd better have some kids quickly.

"You mean I'm not super attractive? The strange hot woman that came on to me was a decoy!?!" - Every goofy looking, guilty guy on Maury

If these daytime commercials were true, EVERY nurse in the hospital would be a smoking hot, black or latina 20 something. They're not true.

I just downloaded the "Watch your neighbor shower" app. But I got the FREE version. It only shows old dudes. I'm going to BUY the OTHER one.

I want to play me in the movie of my life. I don't think anyone else can pull of my solo sex scenes.

Bananas like to watch women do things to my penis