People only TOUCH the top, they NEVER stay there. Just enjoy the process…that IS something you can do. That’s just my polite way of saying to my TYPE-A buddies, “Calm the f*ck down and stop whining like punks!”

My mother and sister just went bra shopping together. In other news, dry heaving is fun!

I make my living selling highlighters to the old guy that writes on your receipts as you exit the store. I'M the next black billionaire!

My overloaded washing machine violently thrust into the wall for 45 minutes... it wants to be ME so much. Delusion, meet anthropomorphism...

Love is a drug, like crack...and that explains my burnt lips. Wait, what?