I'm a relationships guy. I don't know when I'm being flirted with. I wish this nude lady would stop shouting "Stick me" so I can think!

If you spray deodorant on your genitals and it burns you...don't tell me and your other comic friends about it and expect us to NOT laugh!

I'm part tank, part jet plane, part lion, part...I really should have gone to the emergency room after hitting my head huh? This IS A PHONE!

Can someone please make it illegal for school kids to buy 5 cent candies when an adult who's in a hurry wants to buy a sandwich damn it!

It's not good when your date tells you that she chooses her soap by how much it assisted her in her most recent paraffin test.

Extra Strength Tylenol....good for muscle aches and pains, and being trapped next to teenagers discussing their relationships on cellphones

So, I guess Ohio got tired of WI and AZ getting all of the attention. YOUR turn FL! Ban breathing after 5pm! Bring it, show them "crazy" FL!

Success. SUCCESS! Don't you run from ME! *shoots dart into it's ass, catches it and begins taunting* Thought you could get away huh? Nope.

Don't call a woman under 60 a "Broad" there are so many ways that it can go wrong. Am I right guy who's balls are hurting now? He said yes.

If you buy book readers to save time, *sigh* it takes the SAME amount of time to LISTEN to books. Oh, you're waiting for me to read this...