My relatives just show up with laundry & ask to use my washer/dryer. Slick huh? Don't worry, I steal enough from their wallets to cover it.

Sign in bathroom: "Employees MUST wash hands"

Sign in Kitchen: "Employees Must rub hands on a homeless guys balls BEFORE cooking"

Doubters, BEWARE! It's ALMOST that time.....

People with kids, I blame YOU for these stupid cartoons clogging up my TV this morning!!! (This message will self destruct when I breed)

Teen me got caught having car sex in a church parking lot, embarrassing. Editors note: DON'T yell "He rev, I'm gettin' some booty, jealous?"

I'm going to WI, then smoking weed & driving over the speed limit while banging a hooker and texting. Remember GOP, the law means NOTHING.

C'mon reality show people, take over MOVIES too! Yeah, get ALL the jobs! (If I can't get in a movie...NO ONE works! Muahahahaha!)