Doing ONE good thing for someone DOESN'T make up for being a soul sucking turd bucket. Just saying...

My new show will have two versions, the stand up version and the theater version. The theater version will include me wearing a Spiderman outfit and landing violently on unlucky audience members.

Scott Walker...Tim Pawlenty. Separated at birth in a hospital that only delivers dweebs and sellouts.

Just saw a guy walking a dog heavier than him. Really dude? Just buy a sports car....We know what the dog is compensating for, OK?

I want to date another ballet dancer....but, i'm NOT touching her feet. They have some jacked up feet. Don't look down...

You can have ANYTHING you want if you believe...that people don't just walk around wearing Kevlar.