Today's weather reminds me of my ex. It looks HOT but feels COLD. Also, it's a lying skank. Wait, what?

I push elevator buttons with my (edit)...YOU should too. Then see who has the (edits) to STILL re-push the buttons. Yeah, free time is good.

Ladies, if I'm doing weird stuff to you in bed and you've done it before, just enjoy it. Don't pretend you've NEVER done it. I'm NOT fooled!

Watching a hottie try to seductively eat spaghetti to get your attention, burn herself and spit it back into her plate....yeah, THAT.

Fame/the spotlight = intense pressure. It either makes you a diamond or crushes you....or you just turn into a big ass wipe.

Strangers, want to avoid an uncomfortable moment? Stop asking people if you can hold their baby. We all assume that you can lift 8 lbs, OK?

Legalize weed and make being an asshole illegal. FYI, this will solve more than the two obvious problems. You're welcome world!