Dear America, no matter what happens in this next election, please elect a gay, Muslim, single mom as President in 2016. Please.

Why is the "Highest Common Denominator" NEVER an option in politics? Maybe WE should start electing adults from now on.

I'm working on my 70's era black sitcom double takes... just in case Santorum accidentally says something that makes sense.

If you didn't want nude ass cheeks on your couch, why is it covered in plastic? YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! Stop sending mixed furniture signals!

Ladies, don't talk to me on the phone while you're in the bathroom. I'll just watch the tapes I already have of you in the bathroom. Okay?

I believe in the three date rule. One input per date. What happens on date four you ask? One word...BOOBS. Another word BETWEEN.

When I have an orgasm inside a gorgeous woman, from now on I'm NOT going to say "Ahhhh! Yeah!" I'm going to shout "Deal with THAT Santorum!"