Facebook making changes quickly because of G+ is like your spouse starting to give you "some" again because of the new hottie in the office

Wall Street is full of the biggest wussies in the world. NO! A drop of rain? *stocks dive* Oh, it was just some guy spitting. *stocks rise*

"Some couples are so mismatched they look like they're heading to a "Fetish Porn" casting call"

- Me 15 seconds ago, looking out the window

“Don’t stay in the prisons of ideology, religion, or xenophobia, have the universal key of an open mind”

— Me. (I say cool stuff too Dalai Lama!)

"Shh! One day I'LL be rich!" - what you're tricked into believing so you'll bend over and take ANOTHER foot in your ass from politicians.

Breaking Fake News! Rick Perry accidently touches a science book, burns hand. Film @ 6 & 11.

Dear lady behind me at the supermarket....YES, I see the guy with the black fingernails, YES, he dresses differently. NO, I will NOT join in on your childish homophobic giggling and under your breath name calling...so shut the f*ck up.

I prefer Janet to Chrissy, but I would soooo do Chrissy if Janet said no.

****

Earthquakes, hurricanes....wait, why are those locusts doing the put their fists over their eyes in the universal "I'm going to kick your ass after school" signal?

Also, why do these locusts have fists?

****

Do you ever feel like success is like a stripper, flashing you and taking your time and money only to NOT let you touch? Not ME losers!

It's hard to stack live cats.

My ex wants to be my Facebook friend. If you were a friend in real life, I'd still be putting my penis in you. No thanks.

It's not my fault that my cheating ex found out that MY grass was infinitely greener. It is my fault that the gate locked behind her ass though.