A black man can't walk around drinking from a paper bag without people thinking it's beer!?! Racists! *throws wild punch, falls down, cries*

Stop with the botox ladies! Wanna know what makes you attractive to us? Lot's of access to the sweet booty! (I am really more mature than this)

Evolution. I believe in it. You still like me though, right?

"Oh yeah?"

"Don't make me get up!"

"You're lucky man!"

- Live tweeting two guys who are trying to sound tough but will NEVER hit each other

Why have an expensive wedding? Save the money for 20 years from now when we'll need boob and ball lifts. Yes, I'm only lifting one ball...

I get it, you're married and you're miserable. Can I have my coffee now? - My thoughts as I hope that the 7-11 guy will STFU.