My new pillow is full of laurels.

"Ow!!!!!" - the first man to actually go "balls to the wall"

Twitter over capacity, Baskin/Robbins out of vanilla, Yo mamma out of my bedroom. Things that shouldn't happen. No, YOU'RE childish!

"Sorry, I can't let THIS child out of your wife until you get one of your OTHER kids to move out of the house." - Eric Cantor MD

I have officially had enough.

I just told someone that I believe in evolution. He got mad at me. I ended the conversation and rode my pterodactyl home.

There's a Starbucks, McDonald's and a Walmart IN my AT&T phone. It's too much. Also, I wish they'd close earlier so I can turn my phone off.

I'm ALREADY annoyed and bored with Dick Cheney's exit interview.

"I've fallen and I can't get u...wait, I'm up. It's cool." - bought a Life Alert 10 years too early

The voices in Rick Perry's head keep cutting me off in traffic. He must not be speaking today. Wait, what?

S. Anthony Says...(Understand THESE and you'll better understand ME) Jiddu Krishnamurti via Brainy Quote

All ideologies are idiotic, whether religious or political, for it is conceptual thinking, the conceptual word, which has so unfortunately divided man.

There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning.

Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.

We all want to be famous people, and the moment we want to be something we are no longer free.

"I'm in a HUGE hurry!". "Grab my elbow and explain the minute details of your life." Maybe I'M wrong, maybe they DO sound the same.

Changing my caller ID to make it say "The Maury Show"....THEN calling my married friends at odd hours. Yeah, good times...

Once people start ignoring Limbaugh's racist rants, he'll to have to resort to sleeping on rooftops in the winter like a morning zoo host.

Non-stop, powerful pounding. Pfft! I've been doing that for years. Hurricane Irene was a lightweight. I serve breakfast afterwards, I win!

Uh, you all ALREADY knew that Cheney was an ass, didn't you? So why the shocked response to him acting like one?

"I told Pontius Pilate to let Jesus go, but I DON'T make the decisions" - Dick Cheney goes a little overboard trying to rewrite history

Mrs. Bachmann, I'll listen to hurricanes about policy when you listen to your hubby's boyfriend about your marriage. #yeahiwentthere

S. Anthony says... (The Lesson)

I am reminded now of a moment that I had a couple of years ago with my nephews. They were visiting and of course spending 99.9 percent of their time playing video games. (They could have done that shit at my sister's house, why come here, ignore me and genital block me? I cancelled sex for these mofos!)

Anyway, my oldest nephew was playing a basketball game and winning by 20 points. It seemed easy for him. Too easy. When he took a pee break, I looked into the game settings and noticed that he had lowered the computer's game skill and raised his. I of course reversed this. No, I didn't tell him. FUNNY! It took him a little while to figure out how his 20 point lead became a tie game in 2 minutes. I repeat, FUNNY!

"Unc....did you...um...change something?"

"Yup, and you are going to finish the game just as it is. I'm staying right here."

"Aw man."

As the game continued, he started to sweat....he was using body English like you wouldn't believe.

But he WON. By a point. On the last shot. As time expired.

He was out of breath and sweat was dripping from his forehead.

"Well, didn't it feel better EARNING your victory?"

"Yeah. I'm glad you made me do that. From NOW on....I'm playing it like THIS!"

He ran upstairs and called one of his friends to tell the story, I could hear excited laughs from two rooms away. This was a teaching moment between Uncle and nephew. Oh, I also taught my other nephew a lesson. I won five bucks off of him because his brother DIDN'T cover the spread. His lesson, old dudes are smarter than teenagers. (Of course the last part didn't happen...but you knew a joke was coming, so there it was.)

Dear idiots. Don't drive through deep water.

I hope several marathoners run past my house so I can get rid of all of this BOTTLED water...THANKS HURRICANE IRENE!

Rick Perry in the White House would be as helpful as an air bubble in an IV.

....the peanut butter & jelly? Well, that's for the FEMALE marathoners. None of your business what I mean by that!

With all of these tree limbs down, my neighbor "prehensile butt cheek Pete" is now just like the rest of us...using a ladder. Take that!

It's not always an overt act that indicates a persons lack of respect, it can also be shown by the frequency of requests for YOUR time. Dig?

Let's just skip the LAST preseason game. No good players are in those games anyway...they even have the lame cheerleaders. Sorry mom.

The theme song for the George Bush 9/11 interview is "It wasn't me" by Shaggy. Subtle.

I love the smug people buying regular items as EVERYONE else in the store panics and buys 900 gallons of water. They finally know what rich people feel like during recessions.

All of my sharp household objects are on the porch. GANGSTA!

What good is being trapped in the house, if you don't have someone there to have constant sex with!?!

Business majors learn that "Textbook" & "Real world" differ. Politicians MUST learn that "idiotic ideology" & "Real people's lives" do too.

It's only a matter of time before one of these reporters covering hurricanes gets killed....and it will probably be by their camera person.

Hurricane Irene called me the "N" word. F*cking racist hurricane!

Rick Perry. Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. Campaign slogan. You're welcome.

What is this big machine in the ocean? The Halliburton hurricane and battery maker!?! Give me the phone I'm calling the...*line goes dead*

Hurricane Jim is sitting in the ocean holding Irene's purse. I DON'T want to be around if he decides to come and "hurry her along". FIGHT!

Special message to ALL that stop "Coddling the Super-Rich"....um, I could use a little coddling. (Ladies only) (Also, some "Getting it on")

Chilli cheese fries must have been invented by accident.

Bad things happening to people are NOT "Acts of God". You DON'T have to be religious to know that, so stop saying that sh!t. Thanks.

Facebook making changes quickly because of G+ is like your spouse starting to give you "some" again because of the new hottie in the office

Wall Street is full of the biggest wussies in the world. NO! A drop of rain? *stocks dive* Oh, it was just some guy spitting. *stocks rise*

"Some couples are so mismatched they look like they're heading to a "Fetish Porn" casting call"

- Me 15 seconds ago, looking out the window

“Don’t stay in the prisons of ideology, religion, or xenophobia, have the universal key of an open mind”

— Me. (I say cool stuff too Dalai Lama!)

"Shh! One day I'LL be rich!" - what you're tricked into believing so you'll bend over and take ANOTHER foot in your ass from politicians.

Breaking Fake News! Rick Perry accidently touches a science book, burns hand. Film @ 6 & 11.

Dear lady behind me at the supermarket....YES, I see the guy with the black fingernails, YES, he dresses differently. NO, I will NOT join in on your childish homophobic giggling and under your breath name calling...so shut the f*ck up.

I prefer Janet to Chrissy, but I would soooo do Chrissy if Janet said no.

****

Earthquakes, hurricanes....wait, why are those locusts doing the put their fists over their eyes in the universal "I'm going to kick your ass after school" signal?

Also, why do these locusts have fists?

****

Do you ever feel like success is like a stripper, flashing you and taking your time and money only to NOT let you touch? Not ME losers!

It's hard to stack live cats.

My ex wants to be my Facebook friend. If you were a friend in real life, I'd still be putting my penis in you. No thanks.

It's not my fault that my cheating ex found out that MY grass was infinitely greener. It is my fault that the gate locked behind her ass though.

Steve Jobs steps down from Apple. The first person that does an Obama "lost JOBS" joke gets kicked in the groin. ;-)

Kim K marries a white guy, east coast earthquake, Steve Jobs quits...yeah, big things happen in threes.

The odds of me EVER AGAIN enjoying a vagina that hasn't pushed out a baby (OR 4) are getting increasingly slim...yes, I'm getting old...

Oh websites with your language and subject matter filters and rules, I will confound thee regularly with my mastery of euphemisms & Ebonics!

S. Anthony says... (Love is love baby....)

I was just in a sandwich shop and something happened that made me happy. A cute girl with a delicious ass flirted with me. No, that wasn't the thing that made me happy, I just wanted to let you know about it.

Back to the thing that made me happy. A gay couple (two dudes), were there having a good time and obviously enjoying being together. I wondered, taking into account the current political, religious and "class warfare" laden society that we live in, how people would react. People smiled. You know the smile, the "look at that happy couple" smile. It may seem like a little thing, but it isn't. This is what I believe America is. Or should be.

Were these guys different than the rest of the people there? Yes. The other couples were heterosexuals, or so it seems. But the most important thing in this scenario was what was similar. We are ALL human beings.

Fuck you if you feel differently. You know what, I take that back. I will say this instead...if you feel differently, remember that other people have the right to love and be loved too. That's better. I'm trying to be an even nicer guy than I already am. YES I AM! Don't make me kick your....okay, let me take that back and say....

Jon Huntsman Says He'd Be Open To Running With Michele Bachmann. I say I'm open to eating from the garbage if McDonald's is closed.

Will and Jada separate? It's a shame. They had just upgraded from "Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith" to "Will & Jada" What a waste.

Ann Coulter Wants Ad To Find 'Obama's Cocaine Dealer. Obama counters by looking for guy who tapes down Coulter's Adam's apple

The Earthquake just hit! Huh? Oh, I DVR'd it.

The East Coast is older, so Earthquakes cause more damage. That's why the coast guard is dumping tons of Norvasc & Plavix into the ocean.

I disagree with you, but instead of proving MY point, I just want to say... you misspelled something! SO THERE! AND your punctuation sucks!

"The Earthquake was a 5.8, I'm '5 8''. It was felt all up and down the east coast. So am I...huh? Huh?" - What I would say if I ever got high

I have cuts all over me from the day of yard work. I don't know how you fetish people do it. I'll stick to whipped cream and lady boobies.

Had to unfriend someone on Facebook. You can't start a sentence on MY page with "OUR Muslim President" and have me take you seriously.

"I'm too complex for stupid labels. Just call me S. Anthony". - Me, to d-bags that think they know the essence of who I am, WITHOUT knowledge of who I am.

Hepatitis wouldn't go into this bathroom for fear of getting it's ass kicked.

Obama's (insert ANYTHING here) Plan Meets Early Resistance From Republicans

****

It's amazing how unattractive even the most delicious boobs and butts can be, when attached to a mean woman.

Still got it on with her a bunch of times though....

- 19 year old me.

****

Me (posts joke)

Them *takes it literally*

Me "Really?"

Them "Duh, doy, duh!"

Me "Oh."

Me (again) "You yell a lot for no reason, huh?"

****

Wait? "Going the distance" means MARRIAGE? It DOESN'T mean getting to put ALL of it IN? My friend doesn't know what he just agreed to...

Mitt Romney decides to put a Starbucks in his new home. Says "I know these are tough times, so to show my support for the poor, It'll be a drive thru, not the kind you sit in. I feel your pain America!"

Man, my "Tax the poor, blow the rich" tee shirts are selling like hotcakes in front of congress and wall street! Soon, I'll be blown too!

Say what you will about Donald Trump. That's it. Say what you will about him.

Of course I won't hit a guy with glasses. That's what this golf club is for!

Answer :Eric Cantor & Paul Ryan

The question? .....what do you get when you try to clone Ronald Reagan using his discarded ball hair?

I'd like to walk up to pretty boys with their hot girlfriends and say:

"Hi, I'm they guy she'll be marrying after she realizes that you're a d-bag. Don't worry about her, I'm much better in the sack than you are, and I have more money than you ever will. I just came back to the past to tell you to break up with her gently, instead of letting her catch you banging her friend...or I'll go even further back in time and convince your dad to get a bj instead on the night you were conceived. Thanks."

*takes two steps and disappears*

"Sitcoms....EVERYTHING you're doing has been done...and done BETTER. At least try some new stuff!" - Everyone with a television

In a two weeks football will be back, unfortunately my joy will soften my political snark. Hahahaha! Just kidding. I still hate politicians.

Dear everyone in the world. "Dream team" was an OFFHANDED comment made by the BACKUP QB for the Eagles. Calm the f*ck down. No story there.

Preseason football = Masturbation with a condom on. *does it* Uh, I was wrong. They're NOTHING alike. Sorry about that.

Sex. I like it.

A black man can't walk around drinking from a paper bag without people thinking it's beer!?! Racists! *throws wild punch, falls down, cries*

Stop with the botox ladies! Wanna know what makes you attractive to us? Lot's of access to the sweet booty! (I am really more mature than this)

Evolution. I believe in it. You still like me though, right?

"Oh yeah?"

"Don't make me get up!"

"You're lucky man!"

- Live tweeting two guys who are trying to sound tough but will NEVER hit each other

Why have an expensive wedding? Save the money for 20 years from now when we'll need boob and ball lifts. Yes, I'm only lifting one ball...

I get it, you're married and you're miserable. Can I have my coffee now? - My thoughts as I hope that the 7-11 guy will STFU.

S. Anthony says... (Just a thought...)

I have 2800 friends on Facebook, I personally know about one third of them and still only have conversations with about 50. And we do it mainly by using Facebook email.

Social networking, if you’re not careful, can become just another way of feeling isolated…even though you are among a massive number of people. I say that because I’ve had many “private” online convos with people and their enjoyment has waned because they tried to gain as many followers as possible, but they made a mistake. They forgot to think about quality and thought only of quantity.

Don’t get me wrong. When I speak of quality, I don’t mean to disparage individual people. What I’m talking about is the quality of your online relationship with those individuals. Believe me, I am not a person devoid of an interest in validation, but I can stand on a club or theater stage and get that whenever I wish. I just sometimes wonder, if after a while, social networking becomes all networking and loses all of the social aspects. You know, the shit that got us here in the first place.

I’m just hoping that these sites for me don’t become like those lifeless relationships that we’ve ALL probably experienced…where you don’t leave because you’ve been there so long, but the shit is just listing along like a rudderless ship. That scenario may be enough to get me to forgo the life raft…and just swim ashore.

Liquor stores in the hood are "bad racial stereotype" manufacturing facilities.

"Why kick a guy when he's down? Shoot that motherf*cker!" - guy who made me finally realize that I needed to move to a new neighborhood

Shark Tank. TV show or my apartment when I'd come home and my lady (at the time) was sitting on the couch with her friends?

Is there any way that I can marry Kim K's ass?

Politicians would sound LESS crazy if they didn't have to pander to the idiot extremists of their parties. But they would still be a-holes.

Hey, Christine O'Donnell, do you have the time? Where are you going? Come back! Do you run away from EVERY question now?

I'm buying GOLD! I'd rather have an abundant metal with a randomly assessed value that inked paper with a randomly assessed value! Yeah!

Perry To Obama: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Americans to Perry: Aren't you a f*cking secessionist?

Breaking news! The Moon is 200 million years younger than we thought. Take that haters! I told you that the moon didn't have botox!

Ex or failed politicians on news shows who try to convince us that their opinions are unbiased....hahahahahahaha! Sorry, I'm NOT a moron.

Sarah Palin is just an anti Obama jack in the box now.

Aw man, ALL of the "veiled racist comment dog whistles" are sold out. It must be election time.

"He's Black! He's Black! He's Black! He's Black! He's Black!" - I'm writing a spec stump speech for the Presidential candidates.

Science...BAD! *applause* Yeah, I'm ready to run for President.

Dear ANYONE in ANY type of relationship with me. If I can't trust you, our relationship is WORTHLESS. And OVER. You have been warned.

Media, instead of slamming the President for vacationing, slam yourselves for vacationing from REAL reporting, that's been going on longer.

I might run for President. I'm not going to issue a platform. Just imagine me with YOURS. And give me money. See, I sound real already!

Oh, and there WILL BE several sex scandals...because I'm getting it on with tons of women in the White House. You've been warned.

Am I the only one that expects Rick Perry to stop in the middle of one of his speeches and pull out snakes to charm?

A FLESHLIGHT...really dude? And you gave your woman a hard time over her VIBRATOR? How about putting your genitals TOGETHER? You're welcome.

Dear "Springer" audience member, if you're going to participate in the end of show "diss" fest, be LESS goofy than the person you're dissing.

If you are saying the meanest thing you can possibly think of to your significant other, it's over. Ha! Just kidding! IT'S ON NOW!!!!!

Not giving a crap...raised to the level of high art. Yeah. There is only one ME.

Cool. It's time for more of my non sequitur filled "No one is here secrets"...

No one is here secret: I jump out of MY car at red lights and pick OTHER people's noses.

No one is here secret: I stand in my toilet and take showers. Contrarians rule!

No one is here secret: I "take care of myself", THEN oil up my hands and watch porno movies. Contrarians rule!

No one is here secret: Spray on under one arm, roll on, the other. Which ever smells best by day's end gets more pre-sleep self tickling.

MY approval rating is 100%, mainly because people that don't love me are stupid, don't count...and will soon be missing. Muahahahaha!

A neighbor's pitbull saw on the paper that he was peeing that Rick Perry was running for President. He ran into his doghouse and shot himself.

Dear young moms on Maury, please stop referring to your kids as "Sexy". I don't eat enough food to adequately supply all of my vomiting.

Truth serum before debates and interviews for ALL politicians! WHO'S WITH ME!?!

Hey, news producers, stop the "we'll tell you about that after this message" crap. May I introduce you to this NEW thing called GOOGLE!?!

Google, get your act together. I look for a pictures of Halle Berry for my desktop and a nude pic of Brad Pitt shows up among them. WTF!?!

****

Women trying to be sexy is like someone doing an expensive infomercial for a free, mass 100 dollar bill giveaway. Relax. We already want as much as we can get.

Are there any women out there with a bunch of 100 dollar bills that I can get it on with?

I know…I’m being greedy.

Don’t ask what brought this on.

****

The Marriage Ref....it's like being at dinner with an annoying couple that won't STFU about their "not serious to rational people" problems.

…the best part of waking up, is getting MORE sweet butt… - failed Folgers® pitch. Hey, I tried.

After today's Straw Poll, all of the voters get A Betamax recorder & 10 cases of New Coke.

What do YOU think makes a woman’s bottom look better? Photoshop? or Whipped Cream? If you’ve been following ME for any length of time… you know MY answer.

I hope the guys in prison, give a big a big "Shout out" to the rioters that mugged the injured student in the UK.

After watching the results of the Straw Poll, the "Rent is too damn high" guy just said to himself "Iowa, I must move to Iowa!"

I often wonder if racists, homophobes & misogynists are familiar with... "Projection"....

Iowa Straw Poll was my stripper name.

I love my family, but If one of them was running for President...and they were crazy, I wouldn't vote for them. Just putting it out there.

Mitt Romney is right. Corporations ARE people....AND they've been screwing us for YEARS.

The "Cookie Monster" is f*cking Bert & Ernie. Deal with it.

Women take 2 types of showers. The "Just wanna be clean" & The "A head will be buried in my ass". If you date me ALWAYS take shower two.

Dear TV, how long until you lower yourself to doing flatulence lighting contests with frat boy judges?

I'm in the mood for some "Radical, Marxist, Socialist, Un-American" pudding...as cable news would call it. I call it "Chocolate" pudding.

It's physically impossible for me to hump enough interns to overcome my tendency to be honest. Thoughts of a political career end....

****

Ladies,

ME + Getting it on with YOU often = ME + doing pretty much whatever you want

Why?

ME - MOST things = ME not giving a crap

ME - access to your delicious (insert favorite body part & best behavioral attributes)

= ME frigging UNHAPPY

So in the words of Marvin Gaye "Let's Get it ON!"

****

*drops the mic, realizes that he DIDN'T say ANYTHING, let alone anything worthy of a "mic drop", looks around embarrassed, walks away...*

I'm getting a henna tattoo on my ass for my critics. It'll be an arrow. Destination KNOWN.

Just saw a lady that looked like my ex...10 years ago...when she was nice...and she hadn't developed her soul immolating powers...

Cable companies, experiencing losses? Aw. I know how you can save money. Fire customer service reps that are rude A-holes. You're welcome.

Dear Wall Street, my 8 year old cousin is scared by less than you. Punk asses.

Dear a-hole teens attacking people in flash mobs, I hope the next group you attack is from a Krav Maga, expert level, full contact class.

Stop saying ve-HIC-le. It's annoying.

Dear actors that can't play a drunk....really? You live in Hollywood, with all of that substance abuse source material and you can't play a drunk? *drops keyboard and walks out of the room*

Dear Walmart, I'm sure that I'm not the ONLY person in the world that wears size 13 shoes. Maybe, just maybe you should stock some dammit!

Traffic reporter that I know... gave me a ride to my car...got lost...I'm STILL laughing.

Dear press, stop calling the lady missing in Aruba "The NEW Natalie Halloway" It's NOT a new CW sitcom. A lady is MISSING... morons.

I was just bullied by Rebecca Black.

S. Anthony Thomas. 68 inches of delicious cocoa goodness. Oh, that is ALSO my height.

I used to love when women called me "Big Brother", now I think of a crappy TV show. What a mood killer. (FYI, I still get it on with them)

Sometimes, familiarity doesn't just breed contempt. It continues it's breeding business and includes, disrespect, taking people for granted, massive INCH to MILE extensions and other assorted idiocies. That business must be shut down.

It's official. I would rather be in a relationship powerbanging the same woman instead of lots of women. I am getting old.

Just so you know...I giggle a little inside every time I use the word "Powerbanging". You do too. Admit it.

Dear extremist Politicians...Slopes are only slippery when lubricated with ignorance, xenophobia and stupidity.

Scott Walker is Tim Pawlenty on HGH.

If I lived in WI, I'd permanently boycott the national evening news shows. I mean, if you're invisible to THEM....why not return the favor? (WI recall election)

Breaking News!!!! S&P downgrades water to "Just Hydrogen". Film at 6 & 11!

DRIVING MOM

Mom: "Is the lady in that car hitting on you?"

Me: "Yeah"

Mom: "What the heck?"

Me: "I am definitely tweeting about THIS."

Yup.

ALWAYS go with your passion...unless it's weird. Then cut that sh*t out! MY passion? It involves women's butts and...whoa, I'm not telling!

If you're THAT bad at hitting on the woman at the next table, don't get mad at us for snickering at you.

Dear S&P, here's a message from EVERYONE. F*ck you.

Michele Bachmann's Newsweek Cover is Out! Followed by a large increase in darts sales and a decrease in toilet paper sales. Coincidence?

Dear hot women, I speak for all average looking guys when I say, "Please start marrying and/or getting it on with us earlier in your life. We know that we're NOT your first choice...but don't make it so damned obvious and in our faces. Thanks."

"Shoot for a threesome. Settle for anal." - My grandpa.

He gave the best advice. Yeah, Thanksgiving was always fun!

What kind of ass tries to sell products on YOUR Facebook page? They must not know MY friends. They f*cked up big time! Enjoy your email!

My bed bug home delivery business is not doing as well as I'd hoped. Damned economic collapse!

Espresso machines are actually silent. The sound you normally hear is the snicker of the owner because you paid $12 for that sh!t.

There's plausible deniability regarding "in car nose picking" because of sight angles...but the ass? Really dude? You have a problem!

"Dear Wall ST, stop being a bunch of overreacting, greedy, punk ass wimps!" - Everyone else

Boobs. Delicious in ANY size.

ME, coupon Suzy & Flo from Progressive. Threesome. Don't act like you wouldn't pay to see that!

Ladies with beautiful bottoms, if you catch me looking at yours and licking my lips....are you familiar with "foreshadowing"?

If television programming is a buffet, the stuff on right now is 4 hour old egg salad with flies hovering over it.

Super Congress. Yeah, those people are ALWAYS responsible with power...so let's give them MORE! (Will they use a condom next time?)

Damned debt deal. If my grandma's check is smaller, I'm going to be pissed. It better still be worth doping her up and stealing...uh. What?

Primetime isn't ready for ME.

They should have a class, that improves people's ability to look at you and know that they really should STFU now.

I have a crush on "Coupon Suzy."

You say "Genital helicopter on the subway platform", I say "Flash mob entrepreneur". Can we just agree to disagree officer?

C'mon powerball lottery. I want to win! I want the congress to start giving a damn about ME! C'mon powerball....

Dear radio sports talk guy who's astounded at caller's ability to answer trivia correctly. I've got two words for you "SmartPhone" "Google"

Bank robbers should just call themselves “random, personal debt ceiling expansion experts” Why not? Everyone else gets to give what they do longer BS names.

Congress has already passed it's douche ceiling.

In an effort to deal with MY debt, I have reached an agreement with those in MY house to tell creditors that I'm dead.

Anyone have an eye wash cup? I accidently watched 1/10th of a second of that bachelorette show.

Why is the Senate voting TOMORROW? Did something IMPORTANT come up!?!

If TV tells me anything, it tells me gorgeous brunettes are ugly until they go into another room, take off their glasses and change clothes.

I would sooooo get it on with Peg Bundy.