The football season is almost over, I'd better get out the flashcards so I can relearn my relative's faces.

Hi, when you drive way too fast you endanger me. So, maybe, I should randomly practice my side kick near your face.

"GOLDEN showers" can only be given by someone who is dehydrated. An adequately hydrated person would just give you a "Shower"... of pee.

I need to start paying attention to people so I'll know who to be disappointed in.

*decides not to keep promise to dead relative, relative comes to life and kicks my ass... I change my mind and keep promise*

You know those girlfriends that are ALWAYS hugging you, climbing on you, touching you and sitting in your lap?

I would like one...NOW!

I yell "Omaha! Omaha!" when I change sexual positions. I also do it when I actually have a woman with me...

LAST call for alcohol, FIRST call for WEED!!!!!!

- Bartenders in Colorado