If you buy the new iPhone 7, Derek Jeter will shag balls with you in your backyard... whether you want him to or not.

*Who knew driving a Camry could get you so much hot lady action?

Awww yeah.

(*None of that shit is even close to true)

Ideological discussions > Childish trolling

Facts > Fox (News?)

Anything > Fighting with assholes on twitter

Me today >Me yesterday

Remember those politicians that made it hard for you to vote?

Good, let's make it HARDER for them to EVER get a job in public office again.

I broke into U2's houses and put every episode of MY podcast on THEIR devices.

Deal with it!

(They'll probably quit music to join ME!)

I'm ashamed to say... I JUST noticed that Dolly Parton has big boobs.

Wait, Kim Kardashian has a huge ass!? Why was I not told of this!?