I love Applebee’s & Chili’s because their menus look like food a 20 year old would make the first day after going shopping for himself.

My mirror just whispered "Thank you" to me.
Yeah...

When I sleep with a lady, I give her 50 extra orgasms on Thursday because I'm usually to busy to see them on weekends.

When a drunk friend vomits on your rug and falls asleep on your couch, it should be illegal to NOT write on his face and the post pictures.

No Google images, don't warn people about pictures of a person's surgery when they look up something innocuous. Nope, not gross at all.

Know how a light bulb pops up over your head when you get a good idea? I use fluorescents now so I REMEMBER the good ideas.

You know the commercial where the athlete wears a Beats headset to drown out the angry crowd?

Girlfriends hate that shit and will hit you.

My life will amount to nothing until these social media sites give me a verified identity check next to my name...

Yeah... the dream.

If you're over 30 and someone hits you with a snowball, you should get to smack that person IN THE HEAD. Even if it's not the same day.

The air in a 50 cent bag of chips must be expensive as hell.

Snow...sucks....

*realizes that it will keep his family from stopping by*

Snow...RULES!

I watch the movie 300 so I can see what it's like to be HALF the man I am.

I GREEN tea bag my girlfriend because it's healthier.

You get the SAME smack if you pinch or caress a strange woman's ass...and the same laugh from me when she and her dude whip your ass loser.

You can make a really nice wig if you dumpster dive behind a Brazilian wax studio.

I'm just saying...

Dear "Rock bottom", keep it down up there! Some of us are trying....ahahaha! Just kidding. If we actually tried we wouldn't be down here!

Every time congress speaks, they sound like the police captain that "doesn't get it" when the hero warns them in every bad 80's cable movie.

I'm doing the *reverse cowboy with your sister.

*treating Native Americans with respect and not shooting people